The Leadership Paradox
The Power and Struggle of Genuine Connection
In leadership, connection is everything. It’s how trust is built, how teams thrive, and how visions turn into reality. Yet, forging real human connections remains one of the most challenging aspects of being a leader. It’s a paradox: leaders are expected to inspire and influence, but doing so requires vulnerability, empathy, and a willingness to truly see and be seen by others.
David Brooks, in How to Know a Person, captures this beautifully, highlighting the transformative power of connection and the difficulties inherent in achieving it. As leaders, we’re tasked with not just managing outcomes but understanding people deeply. The question is: how do we overcome the barriers and lean into the kind of connection that fosters growth and trust?
The Power of Being Seen
At its core, leadership is about people. Brooks notes that one of the most profound gifts we can give others is to make them feel seen. Being seen isn’t just about acknowledgment—it’s about recognition at a deeper level, where individuals feel valued, understood, and respected.
Leaders who make others feel seen create cultures where employees are more engaged and motivated. According to a 2021 McKinsey study, a lack of recognition was one of the top reasons employees left their jobs. When leaders truly see their team members—their strengths, struggles, and potential—they foster loyalty and a sense of belonging.
Take, for example, the story of Bell Labs and the researcher Harry Nyquist, highlighted in Brooks’ book. Nyquist wasn’t just a brilliant engineer; he had a unique ability to truly listen and ask thoughtful questions. His interactions helped colleagues unlock their own brilliance, leading to more patents and breakthroughs than any of his peers. Leadership isn’t just about driving results; it’s about seeing the potential in others and helping them realize it.
The Challenges of Connection
Despite its importance, connection doesn’t come easily—especially for leaders. Several challenges stand in the way:
1. The Pressure to Maintain Authority
Leaders often feel that showing vulnerability or empathy might undermine their authority. They hesitate to open up, fearing it might blur professional boundaries. However, this reluctance can create a distance that prevents meaningful connections.
2. The Fear of Vulnerability
True connection requires mutual vulnerability. Leaders must not only see others but allow themselves to be seen. This means admitting mistakes, showing uncertainty, and being honest about challenges—all of which can feel risky in positions of power.
3. The Distractions of Digital Communication
In today’s world of constant notifications and remote work, conversations often happen in fragmented, transactional bursts. Leaders may rely on email or Slack for efficiency, but these tools can’t replicate the richness of face-to-face interactions or the warmth of a personal connection.
4. Societal Norms of Individualism
Modern culture often celebrates self-reliance and personal achievement, making it harder to prioritize relationships. Leaders, too, can fall into the trap of focusing on individual goals rather than team cohesion.
Practical Tools for Leaders to Forge Real Connections
So how can leaders navigate these challenges? Brooks offers insights that leaders can apply to deepen their connections with their teams:
1. Active Listening
Listening isn’t just about hearing words—it’s about understanding what’s beneath them. Leaders should practice “loud listening,” as Brooks describes it: responding with verbal and nonverbal cues that show genuine interest. Nodding, repeating key points, and asking follow-up questions demonstrate that you’re not just listening—you’re truly engaging.
2. Asking Deeper Questions
Surface-level questions yield surface-level answers. Instead, ask questions that reveal a person’s inner world. For example:
• Instead of “How’s the project going?” ask, “What part of this project excites you the most?”
• Instead of “What’s your biggest challenge?” ask, “How do you think your past experiences are shaping how you approach this challenge?”
These types of questions encourage reflection and signal that you value the other person’s perspective.
3. Embracing Vulnerability
Connection is a two-way street. Leaders who admit their struggles and share their humanity create safe spaces for others to do the same. When you acknowledge, “I’m not sure how to approach this, but I’d love your input,” you foster a culture of openness and collaboration.
4. Making Time for Small Moments
Connection doesn’t always happen in structured meetings. Sometimes, it’s the casual hallway chat, the shared laughter over coffee, or the check-in after a tough day that builds trust. Prioritize these small moments—they often lead to the biggest breakthroughs in relationships.
5. Seeing the Whole Person
As Brooks writes, “A person is not a puzzle to be solved but a mystery to be embraced.” Avoid reducing people to their roles or outputs. Instead, see their complexities—their passions, fears, and quirks. When leaders view their team members as whole individuals, they create environments where people feel valued for who they are, not just what they do.
The Impact of Connection on Leadership
Leaders who prioritize connection see the ripple effects throughout their organizations:
1. Innovation Through Trust
When team members feel seen and respected, they’re more likely to share ideas, even the unconventional ones. Trust fosters a culture of experimentation and risk-taking, which is essential for innovation.
2. Resilience in Tough Times
Teams with strong connections are better equipped to handle challenges. During crises, these bonds provide emotional support and strengthen collaboration, enabling teams to navigate uncertainty more effectively.
3. Loyalty and Retention
Employees who feel connected to their leaders are more likely to stay. They’re not just working for a paycheck—they’re working for someone who sees their value and invests in their growth.
4. Personal Fulfillment for Leaders
Leading with connection doesn’t just benefit teams—it transforms leaders too. When leaders engage deeply, they move beyond transactional interactions and experience the joy and fulfillment of meaningful relationships.
Embracing the Leadership Paradox
Forging real connection as a leader is both a privilege and a challenge. It requires stepping away from the safety of authority and leaning into the vulnerability of humanity. It demands time, effort, and emotional energy, but the rewards are unparalleled: stronger teams, deeper trust, and a legacy of impactful leadership.
As leaders, we must embrace the paradox: to lead effectively, we must connect deeply. By seeing and being seen, we unlock the full potential of our teams—and ourselves. Connection is not a distraction from leadership; it is leadership.